Feed My Nightmares...

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Oct. 21st, 2006 @ 05:28 am (no subject)

Current Location: Planet Earth
Current Mood:

amused
Current Music: The Reflex, Duran Duran

For some reason I keep forgeting to use this LiveJournal, I guess for the fact that I have come across another writing website. Or that I am just too lazy.
But for some odd reason had to write come and write in this today.
As I had received a interesting e-mail from an old friend today.
Not sure why after two years of not hearing from this person they deceiced to come and write. I know the last time we spoke we were not on the best of terms.
I basically think it all started because their friend found my instant messenger and started to IM me, and some how we were talking about this friend that contacted me today, and misunderstood what I was trying to say, and told this person something that was totally un-true and they actually belived him and after that has not spoken to me.
Anyway this ex-friend from 2 years ago, who I wont mention their name, which I should in a joking manner like Ellen DeGeneress does all the time, but than again I am not her and would feel that if I did mention their name, would only be stooping to their level of kindergarden behavior, so
anyway they tell me that I am not goth, but only the oppposite of goth and said some negative remarks about something that I wrote long time ago, and said that he didnt like my shirt and i had no right to wear such material.
Which I find totally funny, that after all this time tries to conact me, and then brings up stuff that was over and long forgotton months ago, and then tries to tell me what and what I shouldnt wear, The only people like that are either want to be parents, or very anal, and over controling people, only because they have no control in their life so they try to take it out on everyone else. Which in a way really drives people away. They think its funny to those that they dont like, which is fine, because they get what they want, and have those people turned off and have nothing to do with them, but also those around them that they do like, see this behavior and also find it a major turnoff and drives those that they care about away as well. But then some of us live in caves and sheltered lives and only know one way of life and have to put others down for not seeing it their way only for not having the expierence of getting out and seeing new and different places and really get to know people before they start judging people.
and from what I understand this friend who contacted me, really didnt want to share much of his past with me, so you kind of have to feel sorry for those, or at least for those that have to go around and critize other people for no reason at all,
But anyway that was my chuckle for the day, as people change, and you cant really know a person unless you really sit down and talk to them.

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Jun. 15th, 2006 @ 06:02 pm Returning from the Unknown

Current Location: My Place in Indianapolis
Current Mood:

amused
Current Music: The Beautiful People, by Marilyn Manson

Well its been like forever since I last posted anything, Not sure why.
I guess just missed awhile and never got back to updating, and was just sitting here a little bored and thought what better chance to try to catch up or start writing my thoughts, feelings, ideas and whatever.
I guess nothing really new has been happening. Still living in the midwest of Indianapolis, Indiana. Not much really going on here, and still without a car, so really dont get to go anywhere or meet people. It was kind of hard at first but I guess there is nothing that I can do to change that fact for the time being so instead of geeting upset and being depressed all the time, just have to accept the fact that I probably wont get the chance to get out and do things like many others that do have cars.
We have public transporation but here in Indianapolis it really is like the worst public transporation, I am not sure what other cities are like, but from talking to the few that do live in another city are very suprised that we dont have any better transporation that what we do have.
Many of times, the bus never comes, comes too early, never goes anywhere near where I need to go, doesnt run on some holidays when there are things to do in other parts of this city that many like to attend.
and the one thing I hate is that there is no late night service so cant go out and enjoy anything as usually many things end shortly after the last bus leaves and not worth going for the short time that I can, so end up spending most of my time sleeping or watching tv, and occasionally get on line and check out certain websites and such. so thats why I guess as bored as I have been these last several months or a year that I havent really been updating that I havent written more to pass the time.
Like tonight, there was a meeting I wanted to attend and never got the chance, as I had no way to get there and by the time it was over, I was guarnteed a ride home so I had to pass, or my other option was leave very early and bike over to the place, which would have taken a about an hour and then the heat outside is just a little too much, well more or less humid.
So now taking the time that I would have spent in the meeting updating this jounal, although not sure if anyone would read it, as that was the main purpose when I started this, I had a friend that told me about this live journal and was able to keep up with him by reading his entries as well as he could keep up with what was going on with me with my entries.
Well one day he just got an attidude with me and I was like, hey if you dont like what I am doing than stay away from me, but your not my babysitter or my parent so you dont tell me what to do. I dont know he got pissed because i posted something that had nothing to do with him, but felt that I shouldnt be at home on the computer and should have been out doing something,
well he knew I didnt have a car, so how I was I supposed to go out.
anyway he got upset with my reponse and said "Good, riddens to you, Im glad I never have to talk to you again" I showed all the postings, and e-mails that led up to the end of our friendship to another friend and he couldnt believe how immature this so called friend was acting and said I was in the total right for what i did and said, and if he wants to be that way, than I dont need him as a friend,
Since then nobody really has been reading this journal, a few people here and there, and the less that read it the less that I got moviated to right in it. SO anyway thought I would try to start this up again, as know some new people, have some new friends, and maybe might start geeting some better response from my entries and get me back on writing again.

I feel I have so much to write about and at least when things are bothering me, can come here and write about them and can get out some fustration.
and sometimes life is too short, so thought while I had the chance better start it back up, before its too late. Where I might find someone tomorrow that can benefit from reading my entries tomorrow or next week, but you never know until you start writing, and always afraid that i might have the chance to share my entries with someone, and not get the chance and before I can, they might move or something and never see them again, and even if I can get one person to read my entries for a week or a month or as long as I keep posting, somehow that might make me feel better.

So anyway I really dont want to say too much at first, just a little background, get the ball rolling and see if anyone out there is reading this and might repsond, and if they cant they can always go to my User Info at the top of the page and will link you to my e-mail. As I think only members can respond to journal entries so if it wont let you add a comment, can always e-mail me.
Well I think I shall put an end to this entry for the time being and the next chance I get will start updating more info until I can get my livehournal cought back up, so I could be back later tonight, tomorrow, or early next week.
Its Thursday Evening and have some things planned for this weekend, of course nothing is set in concreate so will just have to wait to see how it all comes together. Until next time..........

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Mar. 9th, 2005 @ 08:55 am Beautiful Soul

Current Mood: creative
Current Music: Beautiful Soul, by Jesse McCartney

Rank Jesse McCartney - Beautiful Soul Song Lyrics

[Chorus]
I don't want another pretty face
I don't want just anyone to hold
I don't want my love to go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul
You're the one I wanna chase
You're the one I wanna hold
I wont let another minute go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul

I know that you are something special
To you I'd be always faithful
I want to be what you always needed
Then I hope you'll see the heart in me

I don't want another pretty face
I don't want just anyone to hold
I don't want my love to go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul
You're the one I wanna chase
You're the one I wanna hold
I wont let another minute go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul

Your beautiful soul, yeah
You might need time to think it over
But im just fine moving forward
I'll ease your mind
If you give me the chance
I will never make you cry c`mon lets try

I don't want another pretty face
I don't want just anyone to hold
I don't want my love to go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul
You're the one I wanna chase
You're the one I wanna hold
I wont let another minute go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul

Am I crazy for wanting you
Baby do you think you could want me too
I don't wanna waste your time
Do you see things the way I do
I just wanna know if you feel it too
There is nothing left to hide

I don't want another pretty face
I don't want just anyone to hold
I don't want my love to go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul
You're the one I wanna chase
You're the one I wanna hold
I wont let another minute go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul

You beautiful soul, yeah

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Mar. 7th, 2005 @ 01:47 am The Lone Ranger Speaks & King Arthur and the Witch

Current Mood:

amused
Current Music: Here's to the Night, by EVE 6

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the
> desert.
> After they got their tent all set up, both men fell
> sound asleep.
> Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and
> says,
>
> "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"
>
> The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
>
>
> "What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
>
> The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says,
> "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are
> millions
> of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
> Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
> Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter
> past three in the morning. Theologically, it's
> evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small
> ! and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems
> we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
> What's it tell you, Tonto?"
>
> Tonto is silent for a moment, then says,
> "Kemo Sabe, you dumber then buffalo shit.
> Someone has stolen tent." >>

==============================================================
>>>
>>King Arthur and the Witch
>>
>>Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a
>>neighboring
>>kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth
>>and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could
>>answer
>>a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the
>>answer
>>and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.
>>
>>The question?....What do women really want? Such a question would perplex
>>even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an
>>impossible
>>query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's
>>proposition
>>to have an answer by year's end.
>>
>>He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the
>>priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone,
>>but no
>>one could give him a satisfactory answer.
>>
>>Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have
>>the
>>answer.
>>
>>But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the
>>kingdom
>>for the exorbitant prices she charged.
>>
>>The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to
>>the
>>witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to
>>her
>>price first.
>>
>>The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights
>>of
>>the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
>>
>>Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one
>>tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never
>>encountered
>>such a repugnant creature in all his life.
>>
>>He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible
>>burden, but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.
>>
>>He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and
>>the
>>preservation of the Round Table.
>>
>>Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question
>>
>>thus:
>>
>>What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own
>>life.
>>
>>Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great
>>truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.
>>
>>And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and
>>Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.
>>
>>The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a
>>horrific
>>experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most
>>beautiful woman he had ever seen, lay before him on the bed. The astounded
>>Lancelot
>>asked what had happened.
>>
>>The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared
>>as
>>a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the
>>time and the beautiful maiden the other half.
>>
>>Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?
>>
>>Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to
>>show
>>off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old
>>witch?
>>Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a
>>beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous, intimate moments?
>>
>>What would YOU do?
>>
>>What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll
>>down
>>below. OKAY?
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>Noble Lancelot, knowing the answer the witch gave Arthur to his question,
>>said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.
>>
>>Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time
>>because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own
>>life.
>>
>>Now....what is the moral to this story?
>>
>>The moral is.....
>>
>>If you don't let a woman have her own way....
>>
>>Things are going to get ugly.

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Mar. 4th, 2005 @ 05:40 pm Breathing is such a Wonderful Thing

Current Mood:

cheerful
Current Music: BURNOUT, by GreenDay

Well its seems as we all can breathe a little bit better now.
I fell that i have gotton a half decent nights rest at least for the last few nights. My friend that i used to work with at the the theater had me tape some shows for her the last few days, as her VCR is not set up to record shows, but yet she can watch them. Well she has just come by to pick up the tape. She had some meetings at Manchester College and said that now that is over she could breathe easier, I guess thats where the title of the most recent entry comes from. As I always try to find different and unusual titles for my subjects on e-mails and for my journal entries, normally nothing at all that has anything to do with what i am writing about, i mean that is if i cant think of one.
So anyways I dont have to wait around here anymore since she has come and gone. My step-mother stopped by earlier to give me some paperwork that i needed for doctor's appointments that my dad had to sign off on.
and we kind of dont trust the mail service therefore she felt better since she was out my way just to drop it off instead of sticking in the mailbox. I had just finished a large bowl of chili and i am still hungry, so probably will go fix somthing else here preety soon.
Still in the process of working on cleaning. It is just amazing how stuff acumalates around here. and i am just tired of all this junk and just geeting real tired and throwing it away. The more awake I am when I try to clean the more I start to debate whether i really want it or not, and then usually end up saving it anyway, only to turn around and throw it out anyway in 6 months so why not just get rid of it now, and throw it away. I doubt that i will never use it or have any reason to keep it in 6 months or a year.
It seems like a lot of things are almost cought up. I have most of the dishes done, the birds have been fed, along with the fish.
I may go out later, just depends on how tired I am later and if I am up to it. Anymore i just dont feel like going out or doing anything. I mean if I am going to go out I think i should get something.
and i just dont have the money. I do have a little money so might go out and get somthing to eat. Not that i need to, as i have more food here than i know what to do with. I guess its just the fact of geeting out and geeting something new and spending money. But probably wont as i have a friend of the family that thinks it will do me good to get outside and get some exercise and go for a small walk tomorrow on this trail that years ago used to be a railroad track called the Monon Trail, well sometime ago they ripped up the tracks and blacked-toped the area so its like a large sidewalk for people to take walks, jog, run, ride bikes, rollorblade and skateboard on. So as long as its not too early just might. I mean to humor the whole suitation as well as i get a free lunch out of it. so cant pass up some good free food that is not from the grocery store that is made at home.
So I mean i did get out yesterday, got some groceries, stopped by the postoffice, and preety much called it a day. So probably what i will do tonight. Take a small nap, make a few phone calls, watch TV, and mess on the computer. I still have enough movies taped or on DVD to last me until the year 2010. and no matter how many times i put off watching them, i still go out an buy more and more. SO not only have I not watched the one i bought last week, now i have another one that i may have just bought that i have to watch as well.
As well as have been taking a small break from myspace to get other things done, get some much needed rest, some cleaning and maybe get back into the mood of when this spring comes i probably will want to spend more time outside and not as much on the computer. But still have some more colder weather to get through.
Well I guess i better get going, and try to get some things done before Saturday is here before i know it. as well as guess try to rest up for that walk on the Monon Trail tomorrow morning sometime. Its just too cold to go outside for me, but will anyone listen to me, no !
They think its always the best for me to get out in the sunlight and enjoy the day and the wonderful sun. YUCK, I really hate the sun and day light and if i had it my way, would stay inside all the time until it was dark. Its just the rest of the world doesnt think that way as well as around here the minute the sun goes down around here, is the minute everything shuts down and stores closes. So its like if i want to do anything or go anywhere i have to do it during the day.
and then the one worst thing that i hate is that i came here to talk about somthing that was on my mind and inbetween all this other stuff I completly forgot why i came here to update and what i really wanted to write about. Well I guess if i rememeber i will come back and write about. so until then I think that i shall close this out for the time being.

/^V^\ TRIP /^V^\

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Mar. 3rd, 2005 @ 12:13 am March Madness

Current Mood:

restless
Current Music: IN JOY AND SORROW by HIM

Well I know there was somthing called March Madness and now for the life of me cant remember where or what it is associated. Whether it be an annual month long sale at a local grocery store or has something to do with Basketball Games. But I was just sitting here watching The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, and for the darnest time trying to think of a title for tonight. Figuring that now that we are in the month of March and probably have now updated this Live Jouranal more times this month than i have all of this year. I meant to write last night and just as i was ready to, my eyes got tired and thought i would lay down for an hour and well that turned into much longer and then woke up with the worst stomach ache and spent most of the morning in bed.
I had some reserves back on Sunday that maybe my dad might be upset with me, as when I called him Saturday night to see if I could help in celebrate my grandmothers birthday which oviousley is his mother. And he seemed quite cold and short. I thought maybe he was tired and busy as the next day he had a nice drive over to Ohio to see my sister and help her out in something. and he just said that Grandma was really not in the mood to do anything and her place was on the way back from Ohio and he wasnt going to do anything, other than stop in and give her some flowers and say Happy Birthday. Well later on Sunday evening i called over there, and my brother was over there along with our dad and step-mother. and grandma said they had gone downstairs and had dinner together as she is currently living in assisted living. which is somewhat of a nursing home, but she has her own place with all her own furniture. Therefore its like having an apartment within a nursing home so she has on the call nurses if she ever needed anything and someone comes in and helps her straighten up the place and then goes down to the dining hall twice a day for lunch and dinner. So at that point i felt really left out and excluded which is usually how my family makes me feel. As I am not part of the family and as they seem to leave me out of a lot of family events. Yet when they want to go out and have dinner for no apparant reason and i kind of decline as they waited until the last minute and already had plans. well then they get real upset with me for not joing in. But come Tuesday I had some medical stuff i need dads help on and when i called him, he seemed to be in a much better mood and was kind of joking around with me. SO anyways i feel so much better about that. at least he isnt mad at me and was just my imangantion.
Other than that Tuesday was preety chill, just hung around my place and slept a lot, watched some TV and was on the computer.
as Tuesday night I got a very nice suprise from one of my very best frieds which you could say might be more than a friend. Very unclear of what our relationship is. as we are so far away i am really not trying to get my hopes up as he is in Colorado and I am in Indiana and if we ever do get together, is very unlikely at this point. Anway we used to talk everynight over IM and due to some persoanl conflict, has not been able to get on the computer that much, so i actually got to talk to him last night and that made me feel really good, as knowing hes ok and seems to be doing well, so thats all i care about. Even though we used to watch Roseanne together as it was on at the same time here as in Colorado, altough here it came on at 11pm and with COlorado being further west, it was 9pm there with the two hour time distance. SO that was always fun, to sit there and even though miles away we could watch it together and then talk about it over IM as it happended. So that really made my night and kind of my day today, just knowing i had heard from him last night.
As i mentioned before I slept most of the day, until about 1'oclock and then got up and started to get somthing to eat and do a little cleaning as well as get ready as had plans with my mom later that afternoon.
We had to stop by this one office to drop off some papers and then proceed to the dollor store, office depot, and Target.
Didnt find a whole lot at the dollor store, but out in the parking lot they have a recycle bin so got rid of some newspapers and cans and bottles that were just accumalting. and i stopped off at the drug store as well and was able to find some more black nailpolish, which i think i have bought up all the black nailpolish here in Indianapolis as i can never find any, so when i do i have to buy as much as i can.
and had to stop at Kroger Grocery to pick up a money order so I could order a CD, via mail. and on the way home we stopped off at our normal grocery store as the lines were way too long at Kroger so we had to go by the other one anyway and they had better deals on what we needed anyway. plus i got a baked potato at Arbys, which was good until my mom spilled the last small portion of it all over me and her car. BUt it was mostly the non messy part so we got it all cleaned up. and right before we got home stopped at Steak N Shake and got a 5-way chili and a two side shake. althought most of us callls it Shake N Bake, thanks to my friend who came in from Texas and never heard of Steak N Shake and mistook it for that kiction seasoning they use to make chicken.
and then ended up getting a new stand for all my CD's at Target.
So even though my day started off slow, seemed to have a good evening.
as now just ready to head to bed and thought i would try to wrap up my thoughts for the last two days.
I still feel as its been too long, and should have never stoped updating. Because now that i look back and read everything that I typed seems nothing like what i am used to doing, I mean look back at some of my past entries. Somthing just seems to be missing. and not really sure if its just that i forgot how to actually write in this since its been so long, or i am just way too tired, or my thoughts are really not here,
But anyway, I think the more i write the more I will get in the hang of things and will pick up my speed again. Its just like anything, when you take off two or three months, you just dont come back and pick up like you were doing before, takes a little time.
But anyway, i think if anyone is reading this, which actually lately i have gotton some real good feedback, like more people are actually reading this than before, which in the long run really wants me to start picking this back up and updating on an everyday basis like i used to.
as not that i have anything against myspace, I mean its the best place.
But i just think maybe i need to not spend as much time and try to do other things with my time. or atleast try to even out things.
so its off to bed or at least end this. Since i was ready to say i am sure if anyone is reading this is geeting just a tad too long so not to bore anyone with anything else. Its off to dream land or at least to get my nightly fix on nightmares. and the sad part is sometimes the nightmares are more soothing than going out in the real world. as i think everyone knows what i am talking about on that issue.
so until then ............

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Mar. 1st, 2005 @ 05:09 am Its Been So Long

Current Mood:

tired
Current Music: ALL BECAUSE OF YOU, by U2

Well you all I am going to try to make a comeback here on my LIVE JOURNAL. I cant believe I have not updated this thing in like forever.
I guess i have just been busy lately and have not felt like even typing anything. I think for the most part is that I was really hoping that when i started this journal that more people would read it, and they never did. and i felt no desire to write in it. But tonight I cant sleep and everyone on my buddy list has gone to bed. Its been a real quiet day. I mean half the time I cant even sign on without like 5 or 6 people IM'ing me and tonight I never had that problem. I left a lot of people messages on myspace and the ones that i thought would respond to them, never did. and the strange thing was i got more people requesting to be my friend today than i ever had. and i have no idea why. Seems like we have very little in common. Maybe we like one band or somthing.
So anyway its like 5 o'clock in the morning over here in the wonderful boring city of Indianapolis. and as you can tell i am real tired because i really dont care what i am typing just as long as i can feel i am talking to someone or something. As now i do have some kind of hope that i do have more people that may read this now. So that somewhat inspired me to start this back up. and i know its not much as i didnt except it to be, at least for the first one. I guess i just wanted to type somthing to get me back in the mood.
So yeah mostly my days and nights have been screwed up, not sure where that happend whether it was at Christmas and I got a new computer and stayed up all night to get my days and nights reversed or just somthing that slowly happened in the last two months. I sleep all day, or at least thats all I want to do, and i cant sleep at night. I find myself watching reruns of Threes Company and Roseanne on Nickoledon, waiting for the morning paper to arrive at my door step at six in the morning, skim through the major headlines and slowly drift off to sleep. Only to keep waking up every hour. Well at least i have Passions on NBC that i watch everyday, which usually helps get me going, but lately I have been sleeping through that. and the weather is just unbearable, i dont feel like ever leaving my place as its too cold to even take a walk down the block and back. and lately have found better ways of spending my money, so it makes leaving my place even harder. Its like anymore i dont have any urge to go anywhere or do anything as I find nothing really keeps my interest anymore. I think that i have to buy something each and everytime i go somewhere, and if i dont have the money or cant find someone to buy it for me, whats the purpose.
I have gotton to Hottopic more times these last 6 months than i have a long time. which Hottopic is my favorite store. I just wished that it was where my grocery was, so i could go there everyday.
Last time i went i bought my self a HIM CD and HIM Poster along with a brand new fishnet shirt. My other one was kind of geeting in bad shape as had some small tears from some of the last concerts i wore it to.
and how i so long FOR a concert to go to. I cant remember the last time i went to one, unless you call Symphony on the Praire a concert, but that is a far cry of a defination of one if I say so for myself.
So yeah my life has been preety boring lately, but some more of the drama i have written about in the past is still unfolding.
I had plans to go trick or treating with a friend on Halloween and they stood me up and never called to let me know other personal issues came about, leaving me to sit there and wait. after telling several people the whole story, all have agreed not to have anything to do witht that friend, as i recieved a call from her on my voice mail. still giving me lame excuses of why we didnt get together. Never once even a I am sorry, or taking the responsibility of her actions. Making me feel bad for her mis-doings. Part of me is so alone that i do miss her as a friend but yet, why should i even try after all the pain she made me suffer. And on Halloween my favorite holiday. Not sure if i was just mad for not having anything to do, mad at her for not calling and letting me know whats up, or blaming her for the mistake of some friends i had a few years ago that invited me to their place in Evansville, 3 hours by car, and then kicking me out as i had to spend the night in a hotel parking lot down the street from their apartment complex. So now even more confused on that suitation.
I met a very good friend on line and now he is not geeting along with his parents and is staying with friends so i never get to talk to him anymore. and i live next door to a lady thats crazier than Mrs Kravitz, the neighbor lady on the show Bewitched. and more family problems, as now i feel i was singled out of geeting to help my grandma celebrate her birthday, I just dont know anymore everything is one big mess.
SO i guess i am back, let the drama begin, as now that the ink is flowing and back in the mood to pick up where i left off before the holidays and let a whole new world into mine. as i have to shut out most of my past friends, as they have treated me so wrong. I feel as a big storm came through my life and blew everything away and brought new things into it as it passed through.
Well as I am coming to a crashing hault for the night, as the bed, I think is calling my name, I look back at this and looks like a bunch of rambling, so if anyone out there is reading this and can make any sense out of what I wrote, please let me know and explain it to me.
or maybe i just dont care as I am too tired. Well as I am sure the next entry will be more fruitful and entertaing. Goodnight for now, as i shall try to enter dream land and at least have somthing entertaining happing in my life, because it sure aint happing when I am awake.

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Jan. 17th, 2005 @ 01:57 pm A Belated New Years

Current Mood:

frustrated
Current Music: Wait and Bleed, by SLIPKNOT

Well I guess that I put off updating this long enough. I keep thinking to myself "Oh yeah I will come home and sign on and update" and of course everytime i walk in that door somthing else comes up and never gets done. I guess there really hasnt been anything to really write about. Although I have much anger in the last few weeks, but do i really want to write about that, I feel sometimes let sleeping dogs lie and I dont want to stir up the fire anymore that already has been. But yet by writing about it, will that cause things to get any better.
So therefore I guess i just felt well just do nothing at all.
So therefore I think i will just make a quick update and try to get back on live journal. As I felt like I already have taken too much time away from not updating for one reason or another.
Christmas was good, extremely hetic. Dealing with Christmas with Dad and his family and then coming home late and trying to get up the next morning and doing it all over again with mom and her family.
PLus geeting a new computer didnt help matters as I feel like i havnt left the computer since i got it, all excited and finding out that i can do such more with it than I could on all my other past computers, which mostly refering to family computers or hand me downs. Still I cant complain i was able for the most part to access my e-mail, instant messaging and most web sites. As my brother was in Argentina for Christmas he returned shortly after therefore we went out to this really nice Italian Restauant here in Indianapolis. I thought I was in some kind of Dynasty Special as it was expensive looking and all the decor in the restuarant looked like it was out of a small dining area in a mansion. I think it was good that I ate there for the expierence, but i still think i wil stick to the usual Taco Bells and such.
After dinner we went back to my dads house, as my brother and his girlfriend opened up their gifts. and the entire family was there, except my grandmother who is currently in assisted living and already ventured out on Christmas Eve. and then my sister made us all watch
Napolean Dynamite, which I am glad that I did, because seems like that is the talk of all movies recenlty.
New Years came in with a very depressing note. I went to bed around 9:30 on New Years Eve, set my alarm and woke up at 11:40, watched the Ball drop and the New Year come in by myself and about an hour later got hit with IM's over the computer with people coming in from their New Years Celebration. As I was on the East Coast Time Zone, was able to celebrate 4 hours of New Years with people as i got to wish people from New York and Florida all the way to Nebraska and Califonia a Happy New Year. I staid up talking to people until 6am. and slowly drifted off to sleep and seemed like the next day was worse. Everything was either closed or had shorter hours, all the people I was talking to on-line seemed not to return for a few days and just nothing to do.
As I was so glad as the whole New Year was done and over with, along with the rest of the holidays. Seems like everyone is back on a rountine and a normal schedule which seems to help geeting back to life.
Although here in Indiana the cold weather, snow and ice have kept me in
Giving me little to do, and nowhere to go. Many places have even shut down or canceled many activities due to cold and dangerous conditions from time to time. I think i am very well set, went out and stocked up on a lot of items, my refridgeter and pantry and cabnits are over flowing with food. and a new DVD player and Computer makes being trapped in so nice. I just turn up the heat, get under the blankets, turn on the TV and computer, open the blinds to the upstairs balcony and watch the birds come and feed off the feeder, and just wait for someone to IM me. Not to mention have a few books, catalogs, newspapers, and magazines to read, and if i get really bored can pick up the phone and start making random phone calls.
and when the weather wasnt that bad did get to venture out from time to time. One one Sunday got to go out and eat with some friends at Mongolian Barbeque, kill some time at Barnes and Noble, and then saw the movie "White Noise", which i might add was NOT scary at all, really left many gaps in the story line, and just plain stupid. It was a good movie to see with friends but i wont be buying the DVD. I did get some Christmas money and was trying to spend it at Hottopic, but as usual, I go there in a hurry and no money and find all sorts of things I want.
and then I make a special trip up there and have money and they are sold out of everything I want or its the wrong color, or style or size.
And other than that just messing around on myspace account and talking to all my friends on that as well. and that shall be my new year and holiday so far. Maybe in time passing can get motivated to write more and express certain concerns that have been going through my head since the new year, but as now just see if not saying anything for the time being helps matters out, not trying to push anyones button at this time if you all catch my drift. Although it may not even matter for the fact the only thing that might be said would only effect the one person that I doubt would be reading this LJ anymore anyway, so again we shall just wait and see.

Signing off and out for the time being
TRIP

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Dec. 27th, 2004 @ 06:46 pm The Party is Over for the Year

Current Mood:

ecstatic
Current Music: Somebody Told Me, "THE KILLERS"

Well Christmas has come and gone once again. As 2004 has brought me to be in the hospital and make a life changing decission. To test the sanity of both my parents and myself as I had to live with them for a few months so I could get better. An old friend come back into my life and then move back to him home state again. and starting up this live journal account in August and then myspace in October and then met a whole lot of new and exicting people on myspace in later November and December. Sure was a christmas to remember. As I felt I was extremely busy with prior commiments, parties, christmas shopping, normal everyday errands, light cooking, mail letters and Christmas cards out, keeping up on my TV shows, as well as all my friends on myspace. I thought I would never have gotton it all done. as now I still have yet to digest all of what happend or what is to come. But for now I am lacking great sleep as I find it hard to keep still with the new presents I got to keep me occupied.
A new computer, scanner and DVD player are the biggest. As well as I was promised a subscription to Metal Edge last year and that never got done until recently so somewhat collected a present from last year as my first issue came in the mail on Christmas Eve. We got our white christmas as Wednesday Dec 22nd snow hit and covered us as we all awoke on December 23rd to complete whitness and snow all around. Wasnt as preety come christmas day, but still in some areas looked wonderful as we didnt have to dream of a white christmas this year, it really came.
For those that dont know my parents are divored and spent Chirstmas eve at my dads with his wife, her son, my grandmother (dad's mother), my sister and her boyfriend. We ended up watching a movie that someone rented at Blockbuster as my step mother Shelley prepared our dinner.
Grandma almost didnt get to come out as she cant walk very well and is in a wheel chair and lives in assisted living apartments, which is nice because she has her own furniture and her own privacy but yet doesnt have to cook or clean and if she needs medical attention, a nurse is on staff 24/7 for all the residents. Although my brother was in Argentina or somewhere in South America visting a friend he became aquainted with while he was an exhange student. My stepbrothers wife who has never missed had to stay at home in North Las Vegas, NV as she couldnt get away from work. and I have no idea where or what happended to our good friend Shirley who always joins us. All I know is either she spent it with her kids or didnt have a way to our house this year as she no longer has a car. all Shelley said was that it seems that her grandkids took care of that. Most likely meaning that they drove and wrecked it.
But Shelley and my sister Lindsay made a great meal and we all had a great time.
I got a new computer, DVD player, a $50.00 gift certifcate to www.amazon.com, a warm jacket type shirt, plus some money and a gift certificate to a fast food restaurant called Steak N Shake known for great chili, steak burgers and milkshakes and malts.
They have mixed malts where you can get half banana half chocolate or half moca and half vanilla, you make the call and have several flavors to choose from. This Steak N Shake is by me as well as several other locations here in INdiana. The one here is right across from my Highschool, North Central High School, its like the largest highschool in Indianapolis, therefore Steak N Shake is the biggest hangout spot for the highschool kids, especially after football games. and its open 24 hours a day seven days a week. But also gets its usuall families that come in for a nice lunch or dinner.
and then a lot of little extras. like scratch off lottery tickets
(I didnt win a penny), candy, postage stamps, desk calendar, 35mm film,
and more gift certifictates. Soon after we opened all of our gifts we loaded up the van and took grandma back and then I came home and staid up until 5am to set up my new computer only to wake up at 9am (3-4 hours of sleep) to go have christmas in Avon, IN about an hour drive from my place. Well it took my mom 35 min because there was no traffic.
and spent it with my other grandma and my moms husband.
we had about three sets of cousins come with their spouse and kids, etc.
so was really laid back. Watched TV while mom prepared dinner, did laundry, and had a great meal and then got a scanner/printer from my mom and step dad. along with a skateboard calendar and more small stuff like money, a night light, cologone, the usuall.
and as we opened up our gifts we let the cats in and gave them cat nip and they sat there and played tug of war with the ribbon, I so wish I had my video camcorder ready I could have sent it into Americas Funniest Home Animal Videos. But all in all we had a great time both Christmas Eve and Christmas day. I am still trying to catch up on sleep and play with all my presents, spend my money on stuff i wanted and didnt get.
My brother comes home tomorrow and will get to celebrate a small christmas with him at dads house as my step mom is going to fix him a special meal. which talking about food, I am starving so I am going to go. But basically that sums up briefly my christmas Holiday.
I will try to go back and write more and reflet when I can to better give you an idea a bigger Christmas picture and let you into my life.
Hoping everyone had a great holiday and hoping that 2005 is better than 2004, although there are some issues that I dread to think about, but until then not going to worry about it.

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Dec. 13th, 2004 @ 07:34 pm Christmas is Upon Us.

Current Mood:

tired
Current Music: COMA WHITE, by Marilyn Manson

Well, in the last entry I asked for some responses from readers and wasnt what I thought I was going to get.
So I will try to update a little more often, but cant promise much more that that, we shall just see.
Not a whole lot going on here. Yesterday got together with a group of former employees from General Cinema cureently AMC. Went to this family type restaurant that also serves as a sports bar.(www.champps.com). Very nice and had a great time. I got a lot of good responses that I made a good pick on choosing a restaurant this time. As normally we float back and forth from places like Applebees, Chili's and Mongolian Grill. We even tried T.G.I.Fridays but the last time we attempted that the restaurant closed early to move into their new location across the parking lot, which they assured me they would still be open until the final minute. So I am not happy with them as I was having a mad craving for potstickers and they were the only place i new that had them, well in the area.
Then a few of us ordered desert which took us right into geeting to the movie on time, plus before leaving the restaurant got a couple of photos of the group.
As we saw the movie Oceans 12, I thought it was a good movie and now looking at the paper did well at the box offices over the weekend. But as we all were tired and the movie was at least two hours, most of us fell asleep at some point and was somewhat confusing therefore couldnt understand most of what was going on. I missed Oceans 11 when it was at the movies, therefore rented it and watched it the night before so that greatly helped. But we all had a good time, as we called this our Christmas dinner and get together.
we had a decent turnout and some people that havent joined us before showed up and some that have, didnt.
I wish a few more people that i invited showed up.
But was a good time for all as we also joined in with the cheering football crowd that were there to watch the game on the big screen.
I came home and went straight to bed as I had been up all night.
My eyes are still killing me, they are just sore and itching, red and feel so tired and almost buring.
I have been trying to get into the eye doctor as I may need glasses. Plus it doesnt help for me to stare at either the TV or the computer monitor all the time.
But the money is not there, and i have insurance but only covers to see the doctor at an office at the hospital and they are all booked, so my mother wont get me an appointment even though she has the money, she would rather wait to save money while I sit here in absolute pain. and then she says she cares about me, and she loves me and doesnt want anything to happen to me. But yet when I get sick or need medical attention will only do so if the insurance will cover it, and if it doesnt she seems like "Oh well I did what I could" and then she gets all mad at me because she is so stressed out from worrying about me the whole night and couldnt get any sleep. But I feel like all I am is good for is a coupon. Its like the insurance is the coupon and no insurance then i dont need it, so she waits and puts off imorant medical needs to save a few dollors. I get so tired of her.
She always makes me feel worthless and always makes me feel so bad about myself.
but I think with my eyes hurting as they are right now I am going to go rest them for awhile.
Plus I had got invited to go do two different things tonight and declined on both because my eyes hurt so much. and just consently tired.
Until then.

TRIP

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Dec. 7th, 2004 @ 04:22 pm More Updates on LJ or does anyone Care

Current Mood: accomplished
Current Music: Please insert your favorite song & artist HERE

To ALL that are reading this:

When I was first introduced to Live Jornal, I thought it was great, and at the time I had more time on my hands. I told everyone to check out my on-line journal and after giving several people the address only TWO people have come and made comments on it. Sometimes as I feel like I am wasting my time for nobody reads it or whats going on in my life. and stopped updating it frequent. as also one of those two people that were leaving comments were unwelcome.
AT this point I am posting a general message over myspace bullentin board asking myspace users to leave comments if they care or not if I update it, or even read it. If I get at least three postive feedback comments from each the females and the guys,(6 or more total) I will update livejournal more frequently, if not, I will still update it but not as often. So please let your voice be heard and comment either on LJ, myspace, at my personal e-mail CoalChamber721@cs.com or IM me when you see me on line. AOL/AIM Screen Name = CoalChamber721
Yahoo IM Screen Name = gothtrip721

Also I welcome all comments on both LJ and myspace as ideas and suggestions on what you would like to see, what would look better, and new ideas that would improve the appearance. all suggestions are taken into consideration as all may not be able to be honored. Please feel free to have your other friends check out my LJ and leave comments as well. and if they have a myspace, send me a message and will add them to my friends list.
IF you have LJ and not already listed me as a friend
please feel free to add me.
Results to LJ will be posted, as please check the bullentin or come back to this LJ accont. I can not make personal e-mails to several people as I have done before. Thanks so much for your time, and again feel free to ask any questions or comments. I perfer more invidual related items to be posted in e-mail and not as a post for everyone to read.
Take care and will be here, so keep in touch

TRIP

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Dec. 1st, 2004 @ 12:26 pm Thanksgiving Is fiannlly Over

Current Mood:

content
Current Music: SWEETDREAMS(ARE MADE OF THIS) M.MANSON

Well, it turned out that I never had any time on Thanksgiving to post about how terrible my Thanksgiving was, and actually wasnt that bad. My brother was running late, therefore we got to my moms later than planned, we basically sat down and ate, as family came and went. It went by way too fast, I never even did get all the leftovers to take home and what I did, was gone and eaten within less than 10 hours of comming home.
Despite that I used to work at a movie theater that dicked me over, and got rid of me, I thought it would be fun for them if nobody showed up to see a movie on Thanksgiving. Yes I do sometimes hate my family but I mean two days out of the year, Theaters should be closed on Thanksgiving and Christmas, thats what we have VCR's and DVD players for. PLus that all that love music can agree, probably has quite a selection that they can chill for the rest of the night and most of the next day. But anyway the next thing I knew my brother and his girlfriend had arranged all of the family to ditch Thanksgiving and go see a movie at the last minute.
I swear our kitchion looked like something on one of those game shows. Throwing food left and right, in the freezer, in the refridge, in all sorts of all containers as fast as we can, ripping up the derving table. Getting everyone to go containers, packing up cars, getting coats ready, exchanging money, it was like a 20 minute race to clean up an entire 2 day mess so we all could catch a movie. Fiannly we all made it and got to the theater in time to see the movie
Christmas with the Kranks. Not a bad movie, we even got my 90 year old grandmother to go. Although 20 min later had no idea she did. WE had to sit 2nd row from the front, which if it wasnt for the new stadium theaters would not have lasted. My theater that I worked at didnt, and my friend and I went to go see the sneak of that Johnny Depp movie "From Hell" when it came out, we were 2 row, since it was so packed, I dont know how he survived but I had to get up and stand at the back for most of it as I was geeting a headache, just being that close.
But basically that was my thanksgiving, a hurried family meal that was totally not prepared as everyone had to work, my step-father who had to travel the 2 days before for his job, well his flight got canceled and didnt get in until 6am Thanksgiving morning so he was beat. I was making jokes about him really living that movie "Planes, Trains, and Automobiles.
Now its just a nightmare until Christmas.
The so calm stores that I go to get everyday shit at, well now its flocked with overbearing, rude, selfish, greedy christmas shoppers. So I am just staying home chilling. Most of my time anymore is spent on Myspace, yet I will try to update this as often as I can, but been so tired and not felt like updating it in about a week. So that tellls you how busy things have been.
Well until then, all Take Care and enjoy life and all that good shit.

TRIP

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Nov. 24th, 2004 @ 11:54 am Thanksgiving- off to a wonderful start

Current Mood:

depressed
Current Music: Minor Threat

Well here we are about 24 hours away from Thanksgiving and it has been far from anything than THANKS.
I tried to send a e-mail card to a friend, all he did was send it back and moan and piss about how bad his Thanksgiving was going to be, and now he is not speaking to me, all I wanted to do was wish him a Happy Thanksgiving. Thats a real nice way to show his thanks.
I tell you some people, no matter how nice or mean you are too them, they just have to turn against you, and say mean and terrible cruel things about you.
I am trying to be a good christian by giving him everychance I can and try to be his friend, but what can you do when they just push away knowing that they are crying inside and screaming for help.
And then my friend that I was supposed to hang out with on Halloween, called me up several times and fiannly when I took her call, she never apolized all she said was that it was no fun and i didn't miss much, I even am willing to try to make ammends with her and she wont even let me. Am I so wrong that I just want to her apolize and she wont. How hard is it to say that I am sorry.
and then my dad took of for Vegas, didnt even invite me to see if I wanted to go. So really bummed out about that. It would do me good to get out and away, but they dont think it will and then they dont understand why I dont want to when I have it, does it have anything to do with that I got comfortable sitting at home by myself doing my thing,
Did you ever think about that, no all they do is moan and piss and tell me that I am just being stupid.
So now I am forced to spend Thanksgiving with my mom and her husband. Which I never wanted to. I had way too much family time with them when I lived with them, and then I try to make things better by trying to help out and my mom just gets mad at me.
I refuse to eat a real turkey this year and I try to tell her that it really would make my thanksgiving if I had a Vegan Turkey. But she doenst care, yet she says she does but when it comes down for her doing somehting about it she never does.
I can tell you that is going to be one of the worst thanskgivings ever, and the no matter what happens nothing gets better. Grandma is threatning not to come. I have to catch a ride with my brother, and my mom only want to cook and prepare what she wants nothing that anyone else does.
So I guess its back to bed I go and just sleep away, and just hope this Thanksgiving nightmare is soon to be over. Not soon enough I am afraid my friends

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Nov. 16th, 2004 @ 11:58 pm Wipe Out

Current Mood:

drained
Current Music: ENJOY THE SILENCE, by Depeche Mode

Well before I fiannly turn in for the night thought I would close out with a small jouranl entry.
I am severely drained and stressed out. First off I couldnt sleep this morning after awakening to a few nightmares throughout the night, so I fiannly got up and went to the postoffice to mail a letter that needed postage, then over to Bagel Fair to get my moring newspaper, and Target to get one last Thanksgiving card,which now I have no idea why I did, its for this friend that promised me that we would hang out on Halloween. Well I wrote her a note saying how disapointed I was and all this other stuff. Well I fiannly answered the phone when she called tonight.
Despite that I was upset and she hurt my feelings, I just cant like totally ignore her, I think everyone deserves a second chance or for some people even more.
But then she had to go on and make every excuse in the book like well we never had any fun, and she had to work that day, and then she never got any of my messages that I left, which doesnt make up for that we talked about it and why would she need me to call her to verify we were geeting togehter, she should of called me as well, even though I did and left several messages on her voice mail and she claims someone in the house listend to them, saved them and never bothered to tell her and she was wandering why she wasnt getting any messages. Thats why I have my cell phone with voice mail and my e-mail. Regardless I am the only one that checks either one of them. and I am extremely strict about I AM THE ONLY ONE THAT ANSWERS MY CELL PHONE. and if its not yours let the voice mail get it. So there is no excuse why I should not get messages. and then when I was staying with my mom I had given some people her number and fiannly got to the point where I had to direct people to my voice mail because I dont answer my moms phone I let the machine get it, and if its for me I call them back. BUt I was not geeting some messages so it was like dont call my moms house, they are not giving me the messages, so call my cell.
and then to top it off she had the nerve to have this 5 year old kid get on the phone and tell me how he had no fun on halloween, and I know that she told him to say that, like its supposed to make things better.
Well it didnt only worse. But at least I stopped ignoring her phone calls and talked to her. Its so un-christian like to hold a grudge on anyone for any reason. and the sad thing is that so many people take everything for granted, like they ignore families and friends, they ger mad and say and do mean things to people and then they think nothing of it and those people will always be around and in a split second they are gone or you have to be gone, and then you regret not apreating what you have when you have it, or not taking the time to forget and forgive.
Its like the pastor of the church, I always thought he would always be there, and never leave. and even though I always enjoyed him and was a very good mentor not only to be but several others, and knew I could count on him and turn to him if I ever got in trouble, as when I was in the hospital he took time out of his busy schedule to come and visit me and that meant so much to me. and now within a short 2-3 weeks he and his wife are leaving the church to go to serve the lord in another in Maryland and now its like now I appreatite him way more knowing we only have a short time left, and thinking I should have felt that way long before and relished in all the time spent.
and why its so imporant just to forget everyone's sins, and their past and make ammends, forget and forgive. and that is what god would want, and for anyone who was friends with someone and for no reason just turns on them or ends their friendship for no reason, and ignores their phone calls and emails, is no christian, in gods eyes they are just the opposite.
and all I can do is pray that those people regardless of what they believe or feel will really find god and be a true christian and forgive those in their past and make peace.
and even with my bad choice of friends in the past, mostly a bunch of rap wanna-beesm white skateboarders, I still have to look to the lord and forgive them and want to help them, because i know that is what he wants me to do, and it took me a long time to figure that out, and finding out the hard way.
But I just couldnt stay mad at this friend, even though they went about everything the wrong way.
I doubt things will be the same between us, but yet we will remain friends, at least that is what I am hoping. and that is my project this holiday season is to make ammends and peace with everyone in my past that I have either done wrong to or they have done wrong to me. At least I took the first step and my grandma and I are speaking to each other again after not talking for the last week and half at least. It turned out to be a stupid misunderstanding, and was so foolish and stupid of me to feel that way and let almost a whole two weeks go between us.
BUt I guess I feel somewhat of a burden lifted from me, and now I can rest in peace, only knowing I still have so much work ahead of me. I only have one more Thanksgiving card to send, and I am done.
I have to cordinate and plan a Christmas Party, which is what I am dreading the most. Its not the planning its contacting everyone and geeting everyone to meet and make sure their free and what is the best day for everyone. But if things work out with that, I already have one christmas party already scheduled, all I have to do is make sure I can be there and RSVP, and then show up and the rest of it is taken care of.
and waiting for a friend of mine and his wife to come back from their month long trip to China, so that should be a major event coming up after Thanksgiving.
and it seems like its never over, you get one thing done and two more are waiting, get those two completed and four more are waiting. But just tying to take one day at a time, and I know that hardly anyone reads this, and those that do cant do one thing to help me out, the only thing I ask is they listen to what I have to say and hope they apply it in their lives.
Like in this entry, so what you had a good friend that did you wrong or got into a fight, dont stay angry. Try to make things right and who knows you might actually be glad you took that chance. or just pick up the phone and say hello to someone, let them know you were thinking of them and how things are going in their life. It doesnt take that much time, but means the world to some people and can make a big difference in someone's life. BUt having this journal to vent and release my fustrations when no one else will listen sure does help.
Until later, Peace Out

TRIP

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Nov. 15th, 2004 @ 05:10 am Are We There Yet, I Wouldn't Hold My Breath ?

Current Mood:

jubilant
Current Music: PRAYER, by Disturbed

Well here it is like 5:30 in the morning, and I haven't gone to bed yet. I am not sure why. This morning I woke up enough time to get me a little something to eat and get to the church by 10:15. I had to usher, therefore that was fun. You get to stand there and greet people as they walk in and then when its time for the offering, we get to go up and down the pews and collect funds for the collection plate. Not to mention it was a sad time, We said goodbye to Pastor of Outreach not only during service but again for a reception at another church for the whole congragation.
After church was over I came home and grabed my bearings and ventured out in Nora for a goodbye card. Did you know that there are like tons and tons of everyother card but only one or two of the goddbyes. I had to stop at three places just to find one. Just enought time to make a quick stop into Marsh and WildOats. A multi-grocery day, as one or the other had something the other didnt. Just enough time to come home, sort out all my findings, fix some mashed potatos and sign the card plus get my stuff ready and then off to the reception. I tell you this pastor and his wife made a great inpact on the community. We had a line all through out the 3 hours just to talk to him and his wife. I thought it was like some autograph signing thing for some famous person that you like see at concerts or someplace like that. We were supposed to close out at 6pm, but still had people coming in.
SO I got to help clean up around 6:30. ACtually it was kind of fun. I always love staying to the end and watching everyone leave and shut things down. I guess i got used to it since it did it so many times while working at General Cinema-AMC Theater.
Pulled off flower center pieces, place mates, tableclothes, fold chairs and place them on rolling hangers to store in the closet. Then it was time for the food. We had to wrap the deserts, cakes, and cookies. Put away all the plastic ware, napkins, and plates. Put up the coffee pot, and the punch bowls and laddles. Pick up trash, and empty the trash.
as well as we had a slide show going of pictures through out the years, and had to take up the extension cords. and like everyone was thanking me like it was some major chore. and here I am loving the whole thing, and its not something that I want to do all the time, unless its under certain circumstances. But yeah major parties and concerts in which you feel part of the family. Its just the most ulimate feeling. The only thing is that sometime I have a thing for wandering and talking to people instead of working, oh well. Not like people do it to me as well. SO all in all it was a great day. and then I come home to make another trip to target, fix me dinner, and then start messing with all this video stuff that we had stored. Old tv shows, specials, and movies I have taped as well as a bunch of camcorder tapes of things I video taped back in like 1994-1999
kind of weird to go back that far. and then been on the computet and I cant sleep so I thought I would put in a little writing, just in case if anyone comes here and reads this. Yeah Right!
and I feel jubilant, whatever that means, it looked like a fun mood to put, despite I dont know if I feel like that, but could have been one of the names of a desert we served earlier this Sunday. Well now its Monday so like 12- 13 hours ago. Is that more specific. Well fine, the same to you two

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Nov. 11th, 2004 @ 10:57 am The Name Sure does Fit

Current Mood:

calm
Current Music: PROVEN, by Hatebreed

Well as I said, Feed My Nightmares, which was no exeption to last night. Right before I fell asleep, I went to the computer one last time and saw where Yasser Arafat had passed away. Not sure if that is the reason or not. But in my dream I had come awake for the day.
Actually dreaming my night was over and here it was Thursday November 11th. Only to find the ground shaking, loud noises outside, and people running a muck around the place. Turned out that we were under attack, fighter planes were all around, in and out of Indianapolis dropping little yellow bombs on us. Where ever they hit. Yet they were not poerful, but landing on a house would just take it out, and had enough stenght to take out half of a Target store. or any other store about that size for that matter. People were out dodging the bombs, running and trying to take cover. Then around noon or 1pm it started to get really bad and people were being evacuated from their homes.
I just remember geeting on this really huge bus, that almost remind me of being a small cruise ship.
They were supposed to do it by the area, but many people got seperated as none of my neighbors were with me and I had no way to get a hold of them. The bus seemed to take us into somewhat of a cave type place.
I just remember being around water and all sorts of dangerouse water animals being around. By mid afternoon they had given up and the planes went back, and the area was safe again. As I never made it home, I knew I would soon. But the attacks were going to just start again all over the next day. We had no idea how bad they were going to attack as we all just seemed to just take shelter. I fiannly did reach my brother and somehow I guess he made it to my apartment after everything died down and safe to go out again.
Although no one was monitoring the suitation, you were on your own. Groups got together to provide transporation, and shelter. But if you chose you didnt have to be part of it, and stupid enough you could drive your car up and down the streets of the battle ground in hopes of playing dodgeball with the bombs. But my brother had tried to make it to make sure I was ok and turned out ended up starting to make an omlet in my kitchen when I called him. I did fiannly end up meeting up with my mom. and in this nightmare I saw people I have not seen or thought about for years. I know for one, was my UPS driver that was our regualar when I worked at Pak Mail at 96th and Meridian Street and I have not seen her since
at least the begining of 2002. So its been almost 2-3 years. The last thing I remember was being gathered in a group, hidden in safety as the attacks were ready to begin again soon and one girl, I would say about late HighSchool or early COllege age, was hating it so, as she said she had never spent away from her family and home on the farm. Thats when I actually woke up with a great relief and an ever so pleasant site, my christams tree all lit and all the hard work I had down to put it up and decorate it in the last two days. The string of lights, the garland, and then the ornaments. as I had some items already from previous years. But had to get another string of lights from Target yesterday morning, and then found some other garland at a better price at a store we went to last night. Then I couldn't find any of the ornament hooks so I after getting home from all my errands last night had to go back up to Target to get them. Almost didnt find them, but looked on that one last aisle and they they were. So as I mentioned in the last entry just now waiting for the final item.
The angel to be placed and lit at the top of the tree.
and suprising enough after I asked if we could stop at Best Buy and my mom wanted to throw a fit complaing how tired she was and just wanted to get home and I was being so inconsiderate for not thinking of her or her health. She did offer to run these few quick errands the day before and why we waited until last night. But we made a mad dash to this store at 65th and Keystone to get the last items needed for my christmas tree, and then went all the way from 71st street straight up to Allisonville Road, so much faster, and I think that was the one point that sold my mom on going up there, was that I found a way to avoid the Keystone at the Fashion Mall and 82nd street traffic. At this point I was extremely hungry and so tired of all the fast food, and I had to find something quick and on the way. I luckily remembered
Qdoba Mexican Grill, as it turned out it was inbetween Castleton and Clearwater, which meant it was on the way. I got a carry out and took no more than 5 minutes to have it ordered, fixed and bagged and out the door.
and it is so good. I had eaten there a few times before but I dont think when I was really hungry and now you know inbetween that and Nothing but Noodles are going to be my two favorite things.
I was just reading in an Indianapolis Magazine they are taking a poll of what they choose, and they have one either Chillope, or Qdoba. and after eating the two within the last month or so. No question, Qdoba gets my vote. and afterwards went to the grocery, and other than the small trip to target called it a night.
Just so glad that I did awake to the christmas tree and not find Indianapolis under attack like the nightmare I had. and the worst part about it, my dreams are so vivid I cant determine what is real and what I am dreaming.
Well if I didnt have to deal with my mom bitching at me, would repeat yesterday all over again, even put up with that terrible nightmare. as long as got to go back to BestBuy and get another CD and have more
Qdoba. and I hate places like that, because you want everything on the menu and can only have one of them.
Yet I go to restauants where I cant find one thing on the menu that I want. Just if things were more spread out, so at least good one good item at each restaurant and not all one sided.
Well still early in the mid afternoon, so going to get going. I doubt anything worth writing about later, but if something comes up will update later today if not then sometime when I feel like it.
Until then, make the best of what you have and be thankful for everything and everybody around you.
You should appreatite what you have now, until its gone and miss it. Seems like too many people never appreatite anything they have until its gone, and why not appreatite those things now, becasue it may not last.

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Nov. 10th, 2004 @ 11:37 pm A New Holiday Tradtion

Current Mood:

nostalgic
Current Music: No More Tears, by Ozzy Osbourne

Not really sure if the title defines this entry, since we never know what next year will bring. But the last few days have been extremely hetic with church activities, making plans and geeting together with past employees from the movue theater I used to work with, catching up with journal entries and e-mails, cleaning up my apartment, and the worst of them all. Spending time with my mom.
Seems that I thought that I might have a good Thanksgiving now that I put the thought of some of my family leaving me behind to go to Vegas for the Thanksgiving. As now accepting the fact that I was spending it with my my, her husband and the rest of my family on my mothers side. I came up with a great menu list. As well I really dont have any desire to eat a real turkey this year, for the fact I am trying to eat less meat and sticking more to a Vegetarian-Vegan Diet.
Well my mom was very pleased about everything but the whole vegetarian idea, she will not stand for anything but a real turkey. I do have to admit that Thanksgiving is a great holiday to be with family and friends, but the whole basis of the holiday seems to go out and kill helpless turkeys just to eat them, when there is so many other foods and alternatives out there. and even though Ham seems to be a favorite for everyones dinner table at Easter Sunday, we seem not to make such a big deal about it like we do at Thanksgiving. But then some other things came into the picture and because of personal issues, and conflicts may not even have Thanksgiving at all.
Therefore to help ease the pain, last night we went to Target I bought my first Chirstmas Tree. In the past I had this little table tree that was pre-decorated.
So this year I got one that is just a little bit smaller than the one we had in our family room when we lived on Selkirk for years. and it set up the same way. It was like my first Christmas tree, as I never really had room in the past christmas times. and even one year we were busy packing up and trying to get ready to move from Boulder in 1996. My dad came to visit us at Thanksgiving time, and he, my brother and I went to Beaver Creek for the holiday to do a little skiing and snowmobiling. at that time he and my brother had a long talk. He chose to take off out of Boulder for a month to travel to Nepal, and my dad offered to help me get my own place, and get somethings in order. As I didnt know anyone in Boulder and could not afford a place by myself.
and I am not one to share a place with others, well unless its family. So that year was out for any christmas tree for me, other than my mom had one waiting for me when I rolled into Indianapolis on Christmas Eve that year.
But I went out and got the garland, and some of the new string bead garland, and I had some Christmas lights plus the ones I used at Halloween, also made great lights for the tree as well. I just went out and bought one set of string lights, and found some ornamaents. Therefore the last two evenings I have been working on setting up the Christmas Tree, and as the time gets closer can add some more oranaments to the tree. PLus I am looking for an angel to go on top of the tree, and that will not get placed and lit until the Thanksgiving Night, as I pray that we will have one. and call me crazy but tradition always called for that the tree got set up exactly 8:00pm on the first Monday of December, with at the time New Eposides of ALF and then it got canceled so I had some on tape that I watched. and as I was watching ALF and setting up the christmas tree, I would eat Jeno's Pizza Rolls and have Cherry Coke. Well after hearing that personal conflict may be a factor whether or not I get Thanksgiving or Christmas or not. I got so depressed therefore I put up the tree to a CD I bought at Target of Christian Worship Songs that we sing at church. and yes it is a little bit early, but at least I get to enjoy it a little bit longer, and with such many things I have to do or may not have to do. Who knows how long or how much I will get to enjoy it.
Plus I got this good size pillow that I can sit back and watch movies and TV with in the warmth of my apartment to calm down and try to get a peaceful night sleep. and so far its great. Therefore a new Holiday tradition is born, setting up the tree to Christian worship music. I think I will wait until after Thanksgiving before I even think of about decorating the outside of my apartment door with Christmas and hopefully will have some more money.
I just need to do a little more cleaning, straightning, organizing, and throwing stuff away and I shall be set. With a few more decorations and some nice candles and insense. I shall never want to leave my apartment. But the one thing I learned is that no matter what happens this Thanksgiving I will remember my best friend that taught me how to enjoy Thanksgiving. Call me crazy, but we both worked at the theater, and I was really bummed that I had to stay and work and so many people were taking off for Thanksgiving, plus I suffer from depression which is greatly triggered by such events. And he was going back to Kentucky, I believe to go home to be with his grandmother. After he told me that I thought about how miserable I was going to be and what a great time he was going to have. and my music interests range so differently, just depending what I am feeling.
and he made me think of the one thing that would make me forget all my troubles. That night, I drove to Walmart (the only place that was close to Clearwater and still open) and got a CD that was by Loretta Lynn.
and yes she is country, and is from Butcher Hollow, KY
and I do apolize if I spell it wrong, but I always say it with that accent, so never really know how its spelled and that day I listend to Coal Miners Daughter over and over again. and all the memories of Thanksgiving in the past as well as Christams flooded back into my mind. It was like I was re-living all those great childhood Thanksgiving times, even though they were long gone. and then I start to think how wonderful and powerful music is, and I owe it all to my friend from Kentucky. I may never have a good Thanksgiving again, but I have all the memories and the music to take me back. Now just if I had a fireplace here in my apartment, but I dont. and for legal reasons, am not going to try to finish off the holidays with trying to have a fire, like we used to.
and as I sit here writing this, I hope and pray that everyone has the best Thanksgiving holiday time they can, and things may not be perfect and loved ones may not be with us for one reason or another. But hold on to those memories and remember what i wrote about and hopefully you will all find that friend like mine from Kentucky or that one thing that helps you cope with the empty feelings and all the voids in life.
Put in a little music in that CD player and should help lift the spirits at this holdiay time, just dont focus on what you DON'T have focus on what you do.
as well as focus on the friends that you do have and take time to tell them how much you are thankful for them being part of your life, it means a lot. and so many times you have so many people that care about others and those that are being cared about choose to ignore the ones that try to be there. Give them a chance, dont look at the negative, take advantage of those that are holding their hand out to you and wanting to make your Thanksgiving a better one.

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Nov. 10th, 2004 @ 02:10 pm Catching Up on Sleep !

Current Mood: awake
Current Music: PRAYER, by Disturbed

Well I thought I would never get cought up on my sleep.
It seems whenever I have to be somewhere somewhat early the next day, I can never fall asleep. and that is the same ol' story for this past Saturday Night.
I had plans to go out with some friends to T.G.I.Fridays at Keystone at the Fashion Mall and then aferwards a movie. Well then I of course, I really wanted to go to church as our Pastor of Outreach was giving his final sermon, and I didnt want to miss that. We have two services which I perfer the later one, but of course that would cut into my time with my friends, so I had to go to the earlier one. Which I dont care for the music in that service, but I got to work with Rich with the computer and power point, and get the right messages up on the screen for the congregation. So it wasnt too bad, and I actually enjoyed the sermon. As well as I was mostly ready anyway to meet my friends for when Chris would pick me up, therefore I staid for the first three songs.
I barely made it back in time to switch my chruch stuff to my movie stuff, as well as change my clothes. and let me remind you that I was running on like three hours of sleep. IT seemed everytime I would try to go to bed something would come up. I was on the computer on Saturday night and one of my friends that was supposed to meet us was on line, and I had not heard from him earlier in the week, therefore I called him and left a message on his voice mail and then to find him on line about an hour or two later, so after talking to him on line just kind of got me more awake, and of course he was going straight to bed so he would get enough sleep and then never did end up showing up.
Chris picked me up and we went over to T.G.I.Fridays to meet everyone, only to find out that they are moving across the parking lot and closed down the restaurant Saturday Nov 6th Night and not to reopen again until today November 10th. Which that is not the story that they told me when I called them earlier in mid October. Otherwise we would have met somewhere else orignally. So Chris, Jeffery, and I met up with Karen and Greg and ended up having lunch over at Applebees. It was ok, but not as good as T.G.I.Fridays and especially I wanted to get the appitizer of Potstickers that Fridays has, and never did. My sister ordered them when we went to visit her Labor Day in Ohio, and I tried some of hers and loved them and have been addicted to potstickers ever since.
and there is this new resturant called Nothing But Noodles, and I just found out they have potstickers so on the way home from errands yesterday my mom and I stopped in and got some noodles to go for dinner as well as I had to get the potstickers. plus they are also on the web www.nothingbutnoodles.com
Not to mention I was a little upset that I had to settle on Applebees, I had a coupon for them that I left at home, not knowing we would end up there.
and I found our waitress to be somewhat rude and very forgetful. We usually have some time to waste before our movie starts and spend about an hour or so over at Barnes and Noble but the movie we chose happended to be right after lunch, and the waitress was nice enough to get me a to go drink, which I kindly accepted, since I refuse to buy anything from the concession over at AMC. and let me remind you, it was not my choosing of AMC, if it was I would have gone to another movie theater completly. But the waitress kept forgeting my drink, knowing we were in a hurry to get out to get somewhere, so Karen took away her tip.
I thought that was funny. But its waitress's like her that never want me to go back. and then in the middle of my meal she almost tried to rip my plate underneath me and take it back to the kitchen. and I was like, I am not done yet, and she was like ok and gave me a extremely nasty look as if I was making her do more work.
But anyway we all had a great time, and ended up going to see the movie THE INCREDIBLES, which I thought it was a good movie, even though I dosed off a few times, but that was from lack of sleep and a good filling meal right before. That is one thing I can not do, eat a full meal and then sit down, especially see a movie or watch a football game. Because I will fall asleep right away, no matter how good or bad the movie is. ALthough I thought I was going to go nuts the whole movie, I reconized one of the voices in the movie, but since it was animated, and no credits at the begining I couldn't place the voice, fiannly it came to me. It was Craig T. Nelson who played Hayden Fox in that comedy series called COACH. and I think that is why it was bothering me, because I used to watch that show all the time and it just would not come to my mind during the first 5-7 minutes of the movie.
But afterwards, Karen dropped me back off at home and made it back just in enough time to go to the last half hour of North Central's Open House, which was really weird. Part of it is so familiar, other parts are nothing what I remembered. and other parts I remember but cant remember why. As well as walking the halls, everything flooding back to me, and other thoughts and feelings. Things they offer now that wasnt available when I was there.
Activities that I was never interested in and missed out on, and now really interested in and having remorse about how much I missed out when I was there, and how things would be different today if I had been interested in what I am today and gotton involved.
Its just so upsetting, and then the thought of how my parents had a major factor in limiting in my high school years, just makes me sick. I doubt the anger toward what they made me miss and lose out will ever go away. and no point in telling them, they wont listen anyway, and I cant go back, no matter how much I want to, or how much I try.
But when I got to North Central most of everything was coming to a close, so I walked the halls of what I remember the most, trying to recall what I remembered the most, and to actually think that I used to walk these same halls everyday for four years.
and of course nothing has changed over the years, still trying to run and avoid the principal, of course he was only assistant principal when I was there, but I had his wife for English, one of the most strangest teachers I think I ever had, and why does it suprise me that she and Mr.Quant got married. I think between the two of them, its quite fitting.
and then back to Chruch Monday night for dinner and a lecuture. and this time Jake led us in worship, as last week he was busy with other items. and then most of Tuesday was spent running errands. Which I shall reflect on later. But going on three hours of sleep these past few days, last night was one of the first restfull nights I have had in almost a week.
I have one more meeting tonight and then errands to follow which should not take long and then should be free to relax and get some personal things done until I have to be at chruch again early on Sunday Morning.
But before I have to leave here in about an hour and half, going to finish my laundry and getting ready.
So until then, Keep the faith !

TRIP

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Nov. 9th, 2004 @ 10:49 pm Turning the Calendar

Current Mood: accomplished
Current Music: LOOK WHAT YOU HAVE DONE by JET

Its so hard to believe that October has come and gone.
Halloween is over, and here we are getting ready for Thanksgiving and Christmas. I doubt that I will ever be ready. There still is the let down of not geeting invited to Las Vegas. Although I should not be mean, but the fact that I just found out that my brother can't go, is somewhat of a sigh of relief. His girlfriend, Lauren, can't get the time off work therefore I am hoping the two of them will stay here in Indianapolis for Thanksgiving. Come October 2nd, I fiannly took down all my halloween decorations for the most part. I still have several inside my apartment, but at least the ones outside have been taken down and packed up.
I thought I did such a great job on them I should have won something from my leasing office, but after I took them down and replaced them with my Thanksgiving ones, the hallweay sure did seem bare.
The other night I went out to blockbuster and rented the movie ROMPER STOMPERS. Which is a reminder of my past.
I was quite disapointed, all they had was the DVD version and the video kept cutting in and out. It seems something is very wrong with my DVD player. I cant watch movies that I have rented, but yet if I buy it brand new at the store, it works fine. Except two that I really like that I bought now also cut in and out on the video. Therefore not only did I e-mail my dad my christmas list for 2004, and stating that I wanted a new computer, since this one can barely do anything but check e-mails, somewebsites and IM people. I tell you its geeting a little old, for the fact that I cant even pull up the most basic stuff and takes me like forever to download files people send me that should only take a few seconds at the top.
I keep begging my mom to dig through our storage unit as to look for some lost VHS tapes, in hopes on of them is the movie ROMPER STOMPERS that I bought the after watching it with some straight-edge vegans of mine at the time. I cant remember how I ended up at one of their apartments, but it may have been that we did some fur protests here in the area, and afterwards went up to BroadRipple grabbed some stuff to eat at
The Good Earth, and hung out on the bridge for awhile.
We got bored and someone suggested swimming, therefore one of the people that were involved in the protest had a free apartment with swimming pool. Therefore we all went back to the apartment and played Marco Polo in the pool, until we all got tired and then went back up to the apartment, dried off and started watching the movie ROMPER STOMPERS. Its so funny how those memories stick with you. I enjoyed that time so much that I found the movie to buy and got it. I have yet to find it since the move, so I hoping that my mom has it with several other stuff that was left at our house when she moved out. Although she says that I have way too many tapes and I need to trade out with her.
Another thing my mom wont understand. My love for the entertainment and music field. Most of all my tapes I use as reference, or library purposes. and I need all that I can. Who knows one day that might lead into a job. At least she hasnt complained about my CD's which I am also tripping over, but that ok, I would rather trip over them, than for me not to have them at all. But its so stupid, because everytime the talk about jobs comes up with my mom and I usually deal with something like MailBoxes Etc, or the post office.
Nothing about working where I know something about.
as I was in Osco the other day and the lady that works there was asking me if I missed the movie theater.
and it was like NO ! I miss working at a movie theather and if the right one came along, would love to work there or at least part time, even volunteer.
Just to be in the whole entertainment field. But would never ever go back to the one that I worked for, which is AMC.
But hey what can I say, its already November 9th, and just two days ago fiannly turned over my calendar from October to Novemebr, where is the time going.
and the scary part is, I am keeping busy, extremely busy. But not working and it going by even faster. I am afraid when I do get a job, if time is going as fast as it now, how much faster will go then, and how much will I miss. Thats the one benefit of not having a job. I never got to do anything. I never got to go to church, well that motion was not yet desired.
I never spent holidays with family. and I was always too tired to really do anything with friends.
and then when I did get a day off where I could be with friends, all of them had to work. It seems like our schedules never went together. When they were not working I was, and when I wasn't they were.
and then like the holidays, you seem to do so much to plan for them, decorate, have parties, and actually look foward to them and then before you know it, its all one big flash. The actuall day ends and you sit back and look at everything and you kind of go
"What just happended". I know that happens to me all the time, that is why I have to take pictures of everything and when I am not doing that, I am video taping. at least then when its done and over with, you can sit back and look at the pictures and watch the video, and atleast relish in the all the work you did, just a little bit longer.
and the scary thing is that no matter what needs to be done, what doesnt need to be done and no matter how hard we try, the clock doesnt stop ticking, just keeps going.
Therefore I am just as guilty at this as anyone, but I am no longer going to make those mistakes. Yes I am still extremely upset and hurt by my friend that never once called me or helped me celebrate halloween as promised. But I sent her a nice, but stern letter.
Stating that the pain will never go away, but would like to remain friends especially with Thanksgiving so quickly appoaching us. and just give it a few more weeks in hopes that we can pick up there. I just need some time away and think, and forget the pain.
As well as I just found the most perfect Thanksgiving card for my grandmother, and even though she really mad me upset, I sent her that card in the mail the other day. She should have gotton it earlier today.
I will wait and call her tomorrow.
But dont let a stupid little fight, a disagreement stand in the way of being friends with someone.
SO many lost times, so many hurt and time is ticking away. Its not going in reverse. Therefore take the time and make an extra phone call, send a card or letter to someone, or take a few hours out of your day to visit with someone. Maybe you may not be the best of friends, but what happens if you say, OH WELL THERE IS TOMORROW, and then there never is. I meant to send someone that was very special to our family a card just to say I was thinking of them, and time got away from me, and about the time I thought of it again, I got a call from my mother saying that she passed away.
I still feel really bad that I never got it send, had I did it when I should have, she would have gotton it just to let her know we were thinking of her before it was her time to go. Don't let that happen to you, treat every moment as your last. Forget and forgive.
Make peace with those that have done wrong. Life is too good to go around and holding stupid grudges, or never talking to a good friend, that seems to have betrayed you. and who knows, take the time to make that extra step and you might be suprised what is to come of it. Everyone gets upset and angry, but dont hold in forever. Everyone deserves a second chance, if not more. We are only human and have to learn from each other. and take a minute and share a smile.
It costs nothing, but sure might make someone else's day more than you ever will know. :-)

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Nov. 5th, 2004 @ 04:52 pm Back into the Swing of Things

Current Mood:

bored
Current Music: The Chemicals Between Us,

Well I think for the first day in a while, that I had nothing planned actually was nice. Everything has dried up from the rain these past few days, the sun is out, and its 53 degrees outside, which actually is kind of nice if you are out walking and in the sun.
I had a few errands to run. I had a few letters to drop by the postoffice on my way to Blockbuster to return and pick up a movie, I checked my mail. I think all I got was a boring catalog and recipe brochure from Nestle Chocolates.
I almost didn't stop in the grocery, but I thought I better in case I got hungry later and didnt feel like going out later. Sometime I just hate going to the grocery. I find too much food and cant choose what I want and what I shouldn't buy. I kind of gave in and bought a little bit of everything today. Which is like the worst for me, because its so hard to buy food for just one person these days. Sometimes I just wish I had some people just stop by and help me eat it. Which is kind of funny, they always say they will and never do and then when they do, they are not hungry.
and of course there is always that debate of trying to get into a relationship so I could always have someone to share that extra food with. But easier said then done. and I am really not ready for a relationship, or at least I dont want to come off and say that I am, when I just kind of want things to happen. Eventually yes I might consider it, but just dont need the commitment of that stress in my life right now, hopefully someday and with the right woman.
Until then the only thing that I really can say I can commit to is my music, my love of music and my desperation to get involved some how. and eventually get a job in which music is a major factor.
Just trying to talk to as many people in bands or know people that are in bands or involved somehow in the music business or music world in hopes to get me leads or just plain network. Another possibility is in the entertainment field whether it be movies or televison, or even radio. But as this point just taking things one day at a time, and trying to share my interest in the love of music I have with as many people as I can.
and maybe the word might spread.
But thats the nice thing about music, I never seem to get hurt by music and always is there for me.
Unlike woman or relationships. Sometimes I wonder why I even trust females anymore for as many of them that have hurt me so much. But what can I say, I love them so no matter how much I get hurt by them, I never seem to learn my lesson and get involved again.
and then of course the ultimate question that everyone says. "why are all the good ones always married or in another serious relationship" Well no matter how much I think or act upon it, things seem never to get better or any worse therefore might as well spend time on things that I can change or at least make a difference in or at least try at.

Well I am back off in the real world again so I can come back here and write more. But its amazing what things come to ones mind after being in the grocery complicating whether or not to buy the salad or the fried chicken. But I guess in the end it really doesn't even matter.

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